Documenting the Quarantine ed. 4: What I Miss

I was inspired by writer Austin Channing Brown to consider what I missed from Ordinary Time that is not Quarantine Time. In no particular order:

• Riding the subway to work and listening to a playlist that I curated in order to take my mind far, far away.

• Not being aware of how my TMJ appears to think it needs to hold up the entire North American continent with a tautness that is, frankly, admirable. (Also, if anyone has any pain relief for TMJ, I am all ears).

• Dairy Freeze. I think 65% of my grumpiness is knowing it will soon be warm and I will not be queueing with all my neighbors and their dogs in wait of a Reese’s Razzle in a waxy cup with a tall white spoon.
  

• Clear breaks from caretaking. Each and every day feels a bit like parenting babies where there is no weekend and no real guarded sanctuary of rest. There is just caretaking: for my children, my students, and my dog (who has regressed to new levels of diva infantilism). It is interrupted by moments of having to do administrative things or clean the bathroom floor or walking through the cemetery. I miss going to night class and buying myself a coffee just because. They were little totems in my week, little flags in the sand of where I staked my territory of being a human with singular interests and joys, and not merely a mom in servitude of others.
  

• Massages. Not that I got one very often, but merely the possibility of paying a stranger to kneed my back like a stubborn slab of bread dough is a huge luxury I took for granted.
  

• My students and their three-dimensional human forms and colorful ideas and incisive questions. This semester started out difficult and it persists in being really difficult but I miss the living, breathing, electric classroom experience.
  

• The library. The dining hall. The buskers in Park St. Station. The sweaty barista at the Arlington Starbucks. The hopefulness I felt about Election 2020 and which I hope I might feel again depending on whom Biden taps as a running mate (?). Concerts. Holding other people’s babies.
  
  I could write endlessly about the things I miss, but the present reality is blessed and full all the same. My house is rarely quiet, a reminder that there are people in this house laughing and FaceTiming and making friendship bracelets to deliver—delivering us indeed to a little freeze frame when we all were as tightly wound as the embroidery threads my children cross and loop and knot with conviction. We are still good friends, same as we ever were, we are just a few threads unslipped through knots for now. Ready and waiting for the chance to wrap around one another’s wrist again soon.

2k19 Wrap

These are usually fun in that old AOL e-mail forwardy kind of way, so I’ll bite. And please share if you do, too.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?

We went on a legit Cape Cod beach vacation with a dog for a week.
Became an usher at the BSO Symphony
Worked at the JFK Library
Visited New Orleans

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Felt like I got some traction in therapy. That was a huge one for me.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousins Sean and Katie welcomed their doll Kayleigh. I imagine there are more but I haven’t held any babies lately and this is regretful.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My husband’s granny passed last weekend. She was a firecracker.

5. What countries did you visit?

Oh, Canada (Toronto - Summer)

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

A book deal, more boundaries around my work, more dates with my hubs.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Sat with a dying grandmother-in-law in her nursing home bed while we just said “I love you” in Korean over and over and over.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My mental health survived the winter and the rainiest April ever. Placed some ink in Huffington Post.

9. What was your biggest failure?

The essay that got the most views was ironically the biggest fail for me. I was not pleased with how it turned out and the response was a lot of spiritual battery.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

The longest depression of my adult life.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I bought this book for under $10 and it was by far the best investment as a freelancer.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Not into any Dave Ramsey-approved piggy banks or projects, I can tell you that much.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Monday barre class.
My former students Garrison and Simone getting married
Visiting Greg in his gayborhood in New Orleans

14. What song will always remind you of 2019?

I loved when my daughter sang/played this Rolling Stones ditty.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?

I am so much happier, about the same weight, and not poorer because that would be impossible.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Prayed, read my Bible.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Been bossed around by my dog. She’s a dog. She can’t even clip her own nails. Why is she bossing me around?

18. How will you spend Christmas?

It’s a travel year so Ohio/Michigan.

19. Did you fall in love in 2019?

Yes, summarily into Fleabag Seasons 1+2.

20. What was your favorite TV program?

See above. I have now watched both seasons thrice.

21. What was the best book you read?

The Bright Hour by Nina Riggs was so good.

22. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Vaughn Williams Symphony No. 5. Melts me.

23. What did you want and get?

A strong relationship with both my kids. It has been gut-wrenching at times but so worth it.

24. What did you want and not get?

A pink Jeep like Malibu Barbie has.
President Trump off Twitter.

25. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Farewell

26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 39. I think I taught and then went to my night class at GrubStreet which has been fantastic.

27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

My life isn’t that deep, yo.

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Thrift on fleek.

29. What kept you sane?

My husband. Riding the MBTA, oddly enough. The Cut on Tuesdays podcast, which is ending and I haz the sads.

30. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I mean who didn’t love PWB holding all her trophies?
I also was so happy when Anne Lamott got married.

31. What political issue stirred you the most?

Mostly was obsessed with the crisis at the border and Impeachment.

32. Who did you miss?

Barack Obama, Friends in Tennessee

33. Who was the best new person you met?

Super grateful for all the new coworker friends I’ve made. They do not tell you this is the actual factual slice of fun of being an employed grown person.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

God will use whatever means necessary to get our attention and let us know we are loved. Even our dogs. Even quicksand. Maybe both at the same time.

Review: The Complicated Heart by Sarah Mae

I was invested in the concept of this book before it was even available as a book. I’ve been listening to author Sarah Mae’s podcast, The Complicated Heart, for the last year. She does such an excellent job of meeting professionals and subject matter experts who live and work at the intersection of mental health and faith. When Sarah Mae mentioned that she was writing a book on the theme that inspired the podcast, I knew I had to read it.

In the introduction to her book, Sarah Mae writes:
This is our story, the story of Mom and me, but it’s also your story, and how even in great darkness light finds a way in, comforts us when we can’t see, and leads us out into the fullness of day where redemption and freedom and healing are waiting for us.

I think this is an accurate and beautiful lead thought to share her aim and what she delivers on in the spiritual memoir. She explores, through her own memories and letters and diaries written by her mom, a difficult relationship, compounded by her mother’s own brokenness and alcoholism that manifests in abuse and neglect of Sarah Mae. The glory story in all of this is a true reconciliation of hearts. Not a perfect redemption of them as we know we will not experience perfect wholeness this side of Heaven.

Sarah Mae is an excellent writer, that should be of great importance to anyone buying a book. This one was written and organized with care. Some of the stories throughout could have been given a little more texture (more on this later) but on the whole, I think the book is very complete.

The stories in the book are certainly difficult to read in terms of what this young woman experienced with very little support at the time she was going through it all, e.g. an abortion, molestation, etc. But they are not written gratuitously, and all are part of the ultimate story of redemption. The recollections Sarah Mae shares are written often from her point of view at that particular time in her life. So when she recalls being molested by an ex-stepbrother, it’s from her POV as a young teen. This aspect of the book did not work for me. I think there was too much to unpack; it felt like a missed opportunity to delve deeply into how these events shaped the author, rather than glossing over difficult episodes and treating them only as if the wisdom of time had not been granted. Others may find it’s actually a virtue of the book because the author is faithful in all the ways to being a reliable narrator. She didn’t know then what she knows now.

The biblical wisdom in the book is not heavy-handed but helpful, I think, in offering context for how the author wants to frame her own healing and what she believes is possible for others.

The most compelling part of the book for me was at the very end. The author includes an entire chapter on tactical approaches to identifying and rooting out the core lies and core fears that plague our own complicated hearts. She offers spiritual insight on the symptoms and hazards of clinging to these core lies. Many of her podcast episodes have addressed these in different forms but I was very grateful to see the full material in written form, almost like a psycho-spiritual instruction manual.

I would especially recommend this book to anyone who has fought to have a healthy relationship with a parent or felt enmeshed and unable to establish firm boundaries with a family member. Sarah Mae’s willingness to share her story in a vulnerable, accountable way is as inspiring as it is instructive to all who want to explore the complexity of our hearts.

I received this book as a digital edition courtesy B&H Publishing in exchange for my honest review of the book.