3 things that are terribly unfair (see also: might die)

Hello, world. Remember how I was all ra-ra, dance like no one's watching yesterday about sugar maple trees? That must have been the Monday girl. Because today's blogger is in a bad way.

Terribly Unfair Thing the First All of my hair is falling out and I'm gaining weight like the wrong kind of loser on Biggest Loser and the mouth-breather on the other line at the doctor's office just waited on the line, snapping her gum, didn't even say hello? HELLO! I THINK MY THYROID IS BROKEN. Please to set up an appointment and please to not judge me on my insurance plan. Southern hospitality, my hat. Shoulda just bought the Groupon for hair loss treatment and called it a day.

Terribly Unfair Thing the Second Have you ever tried to contain a 4 year-old boy in a public place where running is not an option? Remember how well that went? Four year-old son was all thinking the velvet ropes at the bank were the Olympic bars and the whole space was basically set up for the 100 yard dash, right? So then you go and sign up for a Fun Run with the same lad. All the kool kats from school are there at the starting line. Runners take their makrs. Your son is wearing a fierce headband and the sun is shining and the atmosphere is equally sunny. YOU ARE GOING TO ROCK THIS RACE. Then your son, who is 100% Tasmanian Devil when not sleeping, cannot run. Everyone else is motoring around the race course and your son just wants to hold your hand and caboose it. He's walking so slow he's practically crawling. His face says, please carry me, his legs say, please seat me over there with the oxygen tank draggers. By the time you cross the finish line it is already time to file your taxes.

Terribly Unfair Thing the Third

I have spent the better part of the last week meeting with my Aflac rep (quack) and filing claims for my accident policy. I am way too young for this biz. Sadder still is how excited I am when I've successfully filed the claim. Like, I'm legit geeked when I get the message that "your claim is complete." If this is what dazzles me in my mid-twirties, what else is there to look forward to in life? Colonoscopies? Blockbuster sale on wheat germ at GNC? Ken Burns taking on Alan Greenspan for PBS?

Hand me that new Taylor Swift album. I just gotta shake off all this injustice...and #firstworldproblems

A new age of injustice: Chutes and Ladders

I know that Chutes and Ladders has had to make some serious reparations over the years. People (who enjoy counting) figured out that past iterations of the game rewarded the behaviors exhibited by boy characters on the board more than girls. I am sure we could stack a great many other racist, sexist, and ageist allegations against C&L, but for $5 at Tarjay, I was thinking this was just a really solid investment. Plus, if you lose the game pieces, you can just replace them with gummi bears, which does not appear to be the case with, say, Wii Disney Princess Enchanted Castle. Little Man really took to C&L and we spent a good 30 minutes or so navigating the acts of service and moral falls of our two game pieces: Punk Rock Asian Girl and Toe-Head Crewcuts Boy. I was impressed that Little Man really got the concept of direct consequences for certain actions, because he kept landing on spaces where he was "just thinking" at the end of a chute. There are many ponderous faces on the playing board of C&L -- I guess pre-schoolers these days are just emo, yo. We had several good chats about how one did not just land at the movies, one actually has to work to earn a living so she can pay for her movie ticket, and also for that of her son. This did not compel my 4 year-old counterpart to go get a job, so I guess I am still stuck with a high-maintenance movie buddy. Whatevs. It was good bonding time.

Then I really examined the actual crimes and punishments illustrated on the board and I have to say...the government of Chutes and Ladders Land is operating as one really wack meritocracy.

Take for example the longest chute on the board, demoting a game piece a good seven rows for the high crime of reaching for the oft-desired cookie jar.

And yet, the shattered pottery seems to be the worst outcome of precariously perching oneself to get the illicit cookie. It's not the consequence of possibly breaking a bone or being sneaky instead of asking. We're taking chutes to our disgrace because the totally replaceable clay pot we bought on clearance Homegoods is in humpty dumpty pieces.

Then there's the happy-go-lucky lad who rides evil knevil on his two-wheeler, showing off sans helmet. He rides that bike down a measly little one-row chute, and lands with a busted looking eye and only a wheel for a souvenir. Hmm. I'm going to call bologna on the judge here, because if this brazen chap doesn't have a concussion, he should really be doing some hard time. He could have caused a crash and nothing tears down pride of folly more than a long ride down a long chute.

Then, here's a juxtaposition of chute and ladder that seems to have turned the scales of justice upside-down. Yay for baking a cake for your birthday. Yay for eating it all by yourself. Yay for child obesity! As long as you're not spending your idle time reading. Yeegads! Down with literacy. Take that chute on down to where the reader losers go. Only, how can you follow that cake recipe if you can't read I wonder? Ah, that Justice, no wonder she's a blind one.

Oh, and finally we're back with another blondie who also can't seem to keep a steady step. She's trying to balance too many plates at once. We once again revisit C&L's fixation with shattering pottery because blondie rides another long chute to the punitive pit of plateware in pieces. I wish kids would just learn not to unload the dishwasher and not put dishes away, but rather just go eat some cake?

40 is the new black

It is well-documented that sometimes I am a bit of a birthday party pooper. So much sugar and social pressure and there are new-to-me episodes of Mad Men waaaaaiting at home on Netflix! My introversion goes into overdrive on the weekends and I am just selfish with my time. But I am so glad we got invited to celebrate our friend Selena's 40th this past weekend. She is a maker of mischief and her birthday was a fair tribute!

Twas a barn party, as you can observe. (p.s. Is this little girl not a doll?)

The wee ones galavanted and if you squint your eyes, it looks like a Mormon family gathering. I so envy the Mormons and their family gatherings.

Of course they made the birthday girl dance when she arrived blindfolded, unwittingly in front of 40+ of her closest friends and neighbors.

Judy and Selena, who also hail from New England.

I made her this 40 godmother. I didn't even consult Pinterest, players. I just bought a soda, a roll of rainbow duct tape, and let the candy lead me. For reals. DIY.

A Chinese proverb says the sun is no less beautiful when it is setting versus when it is rising. Also, this barn ain't bad when the sun is nowhere to be found.

Happy Birthday, Mama Selena! You are loved 40 to the 40th power.