That Half a Doughnut Girl

I want you to think I am That Half a Doughnut Girl. I want you to believe that I would be that person that skates by the box of doughnuts in the workplace kitchen, pauses, and then says in a lilting voice, "Oh, how nice! Who brought doughnuts?" Because I want you to believe that I would pause for long enough to appreciate a doughnut doughnation to the workplace. And that I wouldn't just bust open that box faster than you can say Hot n' Fresh Krispie Kreme and maul that glazed pastry like a barracuda tearing through its prey. I would so like to impress you as someone that would think of others in the workplace and would only cut myself half a doughnut and LEAVE THE OTHER HALF right there. I wouldn't even have to THROW THE OTHER HALF AWAY so far down below the three months of maggot-infested yogurt and coffee-ground compost so she wouldn't end up eating it later. I would just have the willpower to do that and not mow my way through a whole row of soft pastry. My lands, why are doughnuts so delicious and evil? And further, why do I struggle still after these twirty two years to want people to think me something I am not. Because I am anything but a half-a doughnut girl. I'm more like a two and a half doughnut girl. And then I am the girl who wakes up the next morning with a wicked stomachache but runs a 5K anyway, while watching re-runs of the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" on the treadmill, laughing out loud at the gym, not really caring that I am That Girl Who Laughs Out Loud at the Gym because--Will Smith. Such a multi-dimensional comic actor. I am also the girl who forgets people's birthdays, who doesn't always make great pains to recycle, who can never get her eyeliner quite straight.

The girl who can't walk away from eating the whole doughnut might not be struggling, however. This is what I'm learning more and more. Sometimes the person who spells the word definitely with an 'A' isn't struggling with this. Not at all. Even though she spells it wrong like that every.single.time and drives us spelling superiors to throw bananagrams at her head. It's just not a struggle for her. At least not now it's not. Because what I'm discovering is that girlfriend might be wrestling with her Creator over much deeper issues, over matters that are buried much more inextricably in the heart. Sometimes we want to impose the priority of a struggle on someone else, to rank for a brother what he should be learning to make right first when he's busy about making a whole different sort of amends. We are all dancy-prancing around the fact that overweight bro should maybe really consider trying paleo because, you know, it worked for someone else who was struggling with carbs "just as bad."

Who do we buncha doughnut eaters think we are?

I own the whole doughnut girl inside of me. I know she can do better, eat better, build up her willpower muscles. I can't exorcise every demon at once, though. God's working with me and He has his hand over me, this I know for sure. Oftentimes, He's working to remind me that He's doing the same with others and their half-a-doughnut boys and girls inside, too.

He's not done with me yet, and for this I am so so thankful.

My statement of beliefs. A creed of sorts.

The time feels right for a little declaration of my faith. Here are the tenets that feel firm to me. I believe in God the Father, who lives in Heaven, and who is very powerful, and totally good, and who had this great idea to give us perfect paradise and also the choice to trust Him about all that.

I believe in His son Jesus, who left Heaven to be become a defenseless baby born in a barn to parents who felt totally ill-prepared, but who trusted God implicitly to lead them as the earthly parents of the Savior of the world.

I believe in the Holy Spirit, who helps us use our gifts for good. I believe this because I constantly see the evidence of where my discernment of certain things is answered with the incredible timing, in spite of how lazy and disaffected I am. The Holy Spirit kicks my ever-living booty to do things that need to be done, or to talk to people, or to love on people, even though my natural tendency is to go take a nap.

I believe in keeping sabbath and to keep it a holy time, which looks different every single week but I know I don't want to go back to not keeping it, because my life is better and more rich and more peaceful because of sabbath.

I believe every single person on this earth struggles and that to struggle is a blessing because it means we haven't given up yet.

I believe that Jesus really helps us when we invite Him into our corner and fight with us.

I believe Jesus had a totally radical message of love and that He ran the guts out of that message and that He expects us to run our guts out in love, as well.

I believe in the Commandments and I believe if we weren't so selfish and navel-gazing they would be packaged as suggestions for happiness rather than as laws that govern.

I believe we do the most long-term good by erring on the side of too loving rather than too judgmental or too condemning.

I believe the boldest statement of faith regarding abortion, divorce, addiction, euthanasia, same-sex marriage, and other controversial matters, is in how we treat those who make decisions about these matters and/or who are directly affected by them.

I believe that Satan goes after relationships first; nothing makes Satan happier than dismantling relationships because they are the foundation, the lifeline to everything that is life-giving in this world.

I believe that the Bible is God's word and that we aren't even close to fully understanding it. Not even close, but it's worth it and very life-changing to try and get closer.

I believe grace is the most impossible  gift and I stand forever in awe of the graciousness of a God who creates, sustains, and continues to pour out grace to clowns, litterbugs, losers, me.

Marriage is not hard.

I must be a slow learner, because eight years have passed and I am just awakening to this truth: Marriage is not hard. Marriage, the equal yolking of two well-matched individuals for life, is not so difficult in principle and practice. You know what is difficult? Overcoming selfishness. Constantly squashing the urge to serve one's own desires, to not eat the whole pint of Ben and Jerry's, because, puhh, I want to. Marrying someone, and being married to someone is not the hard business. You say, I do, and then you say I do, I do, I do, over and over and over again, every day, until death do us part. But the hard part is not saying I do, also and simultaneously, to 401 other commitments that, in themselves, are not inherently wrong. However, the leading parent-teacher council and the working overtime, the agreeing to bake 3 dozen cupcakes for the party--they all steal energies and consume time and wring us out like dirty dishrags from the demands of married partnership. Marriage is not so hard. Marriage is not the enemy or the whipping girl. Marriage is good, it is so so good. Our selfish, guilt-filled, distracted parts are the ones that make marriage bad and hard and toxic and weak.

I've also learned that marriage doesn't need us to define it. And believe it or not, that's not a political statement. Even though marriage is mired in politics, especially in this country, marriage has been doing just fine since God had the idea to pull Eve from Adam's rib so that man would not be lonely, so that he would be in the good company of equal partnership. Marriage, as institutions go, is pretty strong. I can't think of too many more that have been keeping on, by the same name, since their inception like marriage has. But it seems as though we're spending a lot of our time trying to define the bounds of this marriage thing than actually living out our calling as married people.

My role in marriage is to make mine strong, care for, and enjoy my marriage. If others ask how I feel about cohabitation before marriage, or culture clashes in marriage, oh sure. I can tell them. Truth be told, though, on any given day, I find the maintenance of my own marriage is an immense task. To see marriage as anything but hard is hard for me. Is anything worth defending that I am not already treasuring? My desire is to be good to my marriage, but the temptation is forever to be good only to myself. I can barely fathom having enough time to judge the adequacy of others' marriages. I cannot spare the energy that defining someone else's marriage requires when I should be busy about finding God in my own little marriage pond and keeping the distractions at bay. Marriage does not need me to define it. Marriage needs me to be in it, 100%, and eight years have taught me that task alone requires my 100% dedication.

Eight years has also taught me that marriage is not long enough. Supposedly Loverpants and I have surpassed the "seven year itch." Last week I told the mister that this last year has taught me the most about my husband. That's seven years after we walked down the aisle and THIRTEEN years after we first became cookies n' milk. This past year we have faced foreclosure, bankruptcy, the traumatic loss of an animal, major family crises, cancer in our family, and we have grown closer and become stronger through these trials. Seven years is considered a symbolically long time in the Bible. Yet it feels like a drop in the bucket to me! Matthew 22 says we will not be married to one another in Heaven, but to Christ. In this way, marriage is for eternity, but from my flawed human view, I don't want to imagine living without my husband. I know that marriage is intended to be a foretaste of God's total devotion and unconditional love for us. I feel as though I fall so short of that kind of love for my husband. I basically fight the urge to tell him to figure out dinner every.single.day. Occasionally I will joke and tell Loverpants that I am doing such a great job preparing him for his second marriage. And in a way, I am right. We are all, you and I, preparing each other for Heaven. Married couples are preparing one another for the ultimate marriage. Maybe that's why marriage right now feels so hard. And yet, so important.

Happy 13 years together Happy 7 years married Happy 2 years as Southerners Happy almost anniversary, Lovey Loverpants! <3

photo credits to Steven Mastroianni, the best.