Beating through

There is a refrain that beats through me, its wavelengths tightening around my organs. You cannot balance this. You cannot excel at one without plainly sucking at the other. You will choose career over family. You are choosing career--

I choose my family.

*** Weekends are longer when you have small children. They are longer than the rest of the week. They are longer than any time you have spent waiting to see if your parents are running late or if they just forgot to pick you up from Key Club. There is not enough time in the weekend to mend the metaphorical hems you need to hem. There are small eternities strung back to back to do the same things you have done all week, which feel extra punishing because you have to do them on Your Weekend. With no overtime pay.

***

You find no joy in this. Maybe this is all too much for you. Are you choosing family? Choosing family?

***

This was not my motto before I became a parent, but I have adopted it as my anthem. If I expect things to go well, they will go well. It sounds Self-Helpy. I know. Will the real Pollyanna please stand up?

I tell myself that I have fun with my children.

I tell myself that my children are fun.

Know what? When I tell myself that? I have fun with my children. My children are so much fun.

*** I am trying to make a Pinteresty project for a friend's birthday. The distressed wood is not jiving with my bristle brushed effect; you cannot tell I am trying to paint a puffy dandelion blowing in the wind. Baby Girl wants to paint. She will grab my brush, touch the paint to the exact area I don't want to be touched--

***

You are trying to be good at everything. You're not even really mastering one thing. You can't juggle all the balls at once. You look like you're starting to slip.

***

The sun is warm, the shade is a haven, the breeze is a gorgeous tonic of perfection as I paint in the grass outside. I grab Baby Girl an oddly shaped scrap from the firewood pile. We paint next to each other, talk about the morning, our favorite parts of the special worship in the park. We let the paint dry and go for a long bike ride.

***

I am hairdrying the stupid piece of wood all soaked with every manner of glitterglue and chalkboard paint and I haven't even showered and Little Man is crying in his crib. I am supposed to be at the surprise party an hour ago.

***

You can't. You are kidding yourself. You are a mess.

*** I am at the end of the driveway, showered, lipsticked, carrying this dazzling piece of wood, when she calls me back. She busts out of the porch door in her nightgown.

MAHHHHM! MOM! YOU FORGOT THE PIECE OF WOOD!

No, I have it! I yell back.

NO, MOM! THE PIECE OF WOOD I MADE! I WANT YOU TO BRING IT TO YOUR FRIEND FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I carry a glitter wood. And another piece that looks like a slop-painted reindeer antler.

The next day I tell Baby Girl how much my friend liked the present that she made her. (She really did. Said she was going to put her jewelry on it.)

"Oh thank you, Mommy! You are the best!"

*** This is the new voice beating through me. Beating through like a little nightgowned girl busting through a porch door to tell her to bring the antler to the party. The voice says I am sometimes, sometimes when I feel at my most defeated and depleted, the best to the littlest ones that matter the most.

Sugar-laden

The last two weekends have been sugar covered, and then dipped in another layer of sugar which was then blanched in sugar. My lands, the sweetness that was overflowing... Last weekend the wee ones attended four Easter Egg hunts which is three more apiece than any child needs to attend/year. There are many secret benefits to living in an insular Christian community and these secret benefits live in the form of a marshmallow Peep tucked covertly inside a pink plastic egg. Ho ho, and there were many of them.

Photographic evidence:

HIIIIIGH AS A KITE.

One particular egg hunt was sponsored exclusively by our landlords for our children and was followed by a tractor ride around the property.

Tennesseein' is Tennebelievin,' y'all.

*** This past weekend has been equally sweet and marvelous. On sabbath, I got to hear some of my talented students sing in a Gospel Choir. I know there is a large-lunged Gospel singer inside of me trying to beat her way out, but until she breaks through, I am going to leave the work to my students. They are amazing.

Today we got to go to an Elmo Birthday party hosted by a Salvadorean mama and a Dominican papa. Can we agree that Latinos throw the best parties? I think that vote was unanimous. In Heaven, I want my neighbors to be Latinos. Or! Maybe in Heaven I will BE a Latino Gospel singer/party planner. Put that in your cereal box and call it a prize.

But prior to the party, we had our own little shindibble here at the headquarters. It was really an excuse to clean our house, let's be honest, that happens about quarterly. But some of my faves came over.

Photographic evidence:

I made Meyer Lemon Ricotta Pancakes with Mascerated Strawberry Coulis. I am going to be forthcoming here and confess that I didn't use Meyer Lemons. I used your boring ol' standard lemon and mixed in the juice from mandarin oranges. Bladow! Done. And I used half whole wheat flour. But the ricotta adds such a nice consistency to this pancake. I'd say it was worth it to circumscribe Aunt Jemima on this one. 'Scuse me, Auntie J. Gonna go a different route this time.

I also made Key Lime Creme Brulee.

I used the blond Oreos for the crust. Probably overly sweet. But as we have established already, I am not a Gospel singer, a Latino party planner, nor am I a French afficionado of subtle sweets. I am an over-sugared American woman that bakes accordingly. And I now own a torch. Beware.

Kendra Starter Kit

The starter kit idea is nothing new under the sun, but I like it because it's not just a shameless consumerist plug for products. The starter kit is a sampling of items (some intangible) that say something about who you are. I invite other bloggers to join me. Comment with a link to the blog post where you do. I'm specifically tagging my friend Jackie here to encourage her to do a starter kit :)

Here's my starter kit for me, right now, April 2012.

SUGAR LIP TREATMENT SPF 15 by fresh

This is the greatest lip treatment known to mankind. I have it in my office and my bathroom and possibly my car. I am trying to live a more natural life. Also, I like to leave embarrassing smooch marks on Loverpants' face. So. I go through a lot of it.

***

The Return of the Prodigal Son: A Story of Homecoming

If you want to understand the place that I started on the spiritual path that I am on now, you need to read this book. I was never a prodigal. I was always the brother who remained. I followed all my parents' rules. I never squandered my fortune. I always thought God's love extended to me for my own righteous works and observance of the law. I never really understood the grace that God extended to me as a sinner, never understood what it was to come to God in faith until I read this book. I read it as a freshman in college when I first began to wander from the doctrine that I had formerly received as truth and this book helped to form the faith that continues to grow and be shaped by a God who really does care for us as a Father receiving His prodigal and rule-following children with equal parts love and compassion. Also, Nouwen's writing is immaculate.

***

New Balance Women's WR993 Running Shoe,Grey,9 B

I am on a weight loss journey right now. I am not happy in the land of obesity. I was in excellent shape before we moved to TN but my life here is significantly more sedentary than in Boston where I was involved in Baby Boot Camp and walking was more a part of the fabric of my life. I also keep getting injured in TN and I know that part of this is God telling me to stop being so hasty, but it's also been a detriment to my activity. I just bought some new running kicks, though, so hopefully I am on a smoother past to better fitness.

*** See Eyewear

My glasses are something of a penance since I would probably rather wear contact lenses most days but I skeeve the thought of touching my eyeballs. Cannot bring myself to do it. So I wear glasses and why not wear some Mad Men specs that are a constant conversation piece?

*** Frozen Yogurt Self-Serve Bars

I am an addict. You need to know this.

***

These cuties. I feel my purpose within this family is clear and therefore my purpose in the world is clearer. I am loved by this family and have come to know God because of these 3 blessings.

photo by Caressa Rogers

 

So, that's a start. I could throw in a Bethany Dillon album, a view of the Boston Harbor, some crazy stockings, and an iPod full of The Moth broadcasts. But for now, I am eager to explore your own kits!