Review: 3 Day Juice Fast

Due to the manner in which I Pac-Man ate my way through the holidays and due to the number on the scale that manifested as a result, I put my new juicer from Santa to work upon our return to TN. I elected to do the 3 day juice fast that the fellow who is no longer fat, sick and nearly dead touts as "jumpstarting" a healthier lifestyle. As my personality tends to Overdo Everything, I thought a 3 day juice fast was right up my alley. It's just part of my contract that I must Overdose on Everything I Enjoy so much that I develop a deep and abiding repulsion for things like Aunt Annie's pretzels of which I once ate 3 in one sitting. GOT CARBS? I can juice myself silly and then I'll be so excited to go back to chewing real food that I'll have a visceral reaction every time I eat a cupcake, triggering the ominous threat of going back to juicing if I dare.

So, the juicing. It was fun to make the juice. That new Breville machine could probably grind a Redwood tree trunk pretty gamely into a nice bark-juice. Lovey Loverpants bought me a bounty of kale, carrots, onions, peppers, and we had loads of grapefruits and oranges. I had a good time with the prep.

Day 1 of the juice fast was...you know. Cleansing in a way where no one can get near you (see also: hazards of eliminating fiber from your diet). By noon I was getting hypoglycemic and I needed to think clearly to finish my semester syllabi. So I ate a bowl of almonds. Otherwise, I was good with the fruit and veggie juice for the rest of the day. Which is to say I didn't eat anything else and by 8 p.m. was begging the man who was hitting my head with a meat tenderizer to stop (see also: the worst headache of my entire life). So I went to sleep and woke up ravaging for food.

Day 2 I woke up hating everyone. The thought of juice made me gag. I ate some oatmeal and felt no guilt. For lunch I had some juice. A couple hours later, I had some more juice. By late afternoon I was so cranky and my head was hurting so bad that I just started speaking blather. Who knows what I was doing. Probably shouting out all of my banking passwords to the people at the express check-out who had the nerve to be buying Little Debbie Snack Cakes at a time like this. By dinner I was feeling faint so I begged Loverpants to make me some rice. By 10p I still had a dull ache in my head. I went and grabbed a piece of chocolate and within 20 minutes my headache was gone. I slept the sleep of a milk-drunk newborn baby.

Day 3 I woke up and stepped on the scale. I was already down 3 lbs., probably from the stress and water loss alone. I decided to leave the juice cleansing to Gwyneth Paltrow. Later we went to Waffle House and I shoved the buttery waffle into my wide-gaping maw and praised the God of the Universe for giving us the ability to chew.

I still enjoy the occasional veggie juice, especially with the assistance of my deputy juicer.