On Having an Accident

I apologized to my professor for being late to class last night. Told him I had gotten sick, had to go home and change my outfit before I came back to class.

Well. That was kinda true.

***

Where were you at 7p.m. last night? I know where I was. I was just circling Central Square, right on time to find prime parking for my 7:30p.m. class, when suddenly, I felt some great discomfort running from my pelvis to my chest. I began to feel overheated and a bit bloated, so I adjusted my seat, unclicked my seatbelt. The discomfort worsened. It felt as though my baby was trying to blow a giant fart inside of me.

The situation was bleak. Where to pull over at Central Square? Where to find a public restroom?

I tried to burp. I tried to toot. The pressure was mounting. I heard a gurgling noise in my chest. The baby started doing Saturday Night Fever. I felt as though I was the pilot in that first scene in Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. What if I lost control of the wheel? What if my appendix burst, right here, in Central Square, where the looney per capita is, like, 3 to 1?

I finally tried the only thing that I thought might spell R-E-L-I-E-F and it wasn't Rolaids.

***

I called Lovey. "I'm coming home. I had an accident. Just calling to tell you so that you know why I don't talk to you when I get in the door."

"Poop or Pee?" he asked, because it must have been important in his brain to know this.

"Both," I said.

***

Driving home, I saw all of the teenage punks dressed up, making their trick-or-treating rounds, and I questioned for a half-second asking one of them to trade outfits so that I could go back to class.

***

There were so many cops swirling around Dorchester, keeping the streets safe on Halloween. I drove extra careful, even though I was trying to speed to get home and change. What if one of them pulled me over, I thought. "I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm 7 months pregnant and I just crapped my pants. Maybe you can let me off easy this time?"

***

At 7:30p, I reached home, showered down, ran out again and was back in class by 8p.m. just in time to talk about James Frey.