I have not talked much about the book, the book that I wrote, that an agent represents, for which a book deal has been drafted but not signed.
Nearly a year has passed since I have seen the draft of the book deal. Since that time, I've been waiting to sign something. I'm dying to John Hancock the heck out of a book deal. But after all these months of uncertainty, I don't know if the book will ever be published because I don't know the terms of the negotiations between publisher and agent. I worked hard for a long time on the book and I hawked it at every conference and waited for a long time for Very Important Publishing People to notice my book sitting alone at the cafeteria and to invite it over to their table.
When I got the book offer, I finally felt like I had found my table in the cafeteria and that there would be outstanding conversations and mediocre Jell-o on trays for all times.
Then, the VIPPs at my table went over to other tables to have other conversations about the book. I wasn't involved in those conversations which seemed to volley back and forth over weeks that turned into months.
I surrendered my expectations and there was freedom in that.
But then I sort of stopped caring about the book deal and the Jell-o. People stopped dropping by my table in the proverbial cafeteria to ask about the book. I stopped asking about the book. I picked up my backpack and went back to class.
In recent days, I started to feel very convicted about my surrender which had turned into apathy. Langston Hughes was all up in my head with notions of a dream deferred. Would my plump li'l grape of a manuscript start drying out like a raisin in the sun? Why read all this Brene Brown if I'm not going to Dare Greatly or Rise Strong but instead reject vulnerability in favor of taking a nap on this book project, indefinitely.
So much of the joy in writing had been processing of my experiences in marrying cross-culturally. I was filled with hope that the accounts would somehow help other couples walking a similar path. I fought for my marriage and I am still fighting the temptation that is ever-present in marriage to kick back into cruise control. Why was I not fighting for this book?
While writing this post, my agent e-mailed me to let me know that the publisher will be going over the legal beagle notes and other things about which I have no authority or expertise. I shall be too busy slurping Jell-O and dreaming of one day signing a book deal, like for reals, y'all.
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A little talisman from one of my favorite authors Amber C. Haines whose inscription on her book Wild in the Hollow is much cherished and encourages my heart whenever I happen upon it.
