If you are planning to take your family for some fun and frolic by the shores of the Ocoee River, you should probably prepare for the nude beach. I wasn't prepared, you see.

I thought I was prepared for a picnic, for river rock jumping, for birdwatching, for tossing frisbees and tattoo research around the Whitewater Rafting Center.

But then there was a public service announcement that the floodgates at the dam downriver had opened, and this woman who appeared to be the mayor of Ocoee told me I shouldn't let the children near the water. Because at any moment they would be wiped out like the people who didn't listen to Noah.

After considering my feelings about forced baptism, I decided I was actually looking forward to letting my children choose when they wanted to be baptized, so we moved our little party bus to the contained lake area down river aways.

The lake area was nice enough for Baby Girl to attach herself like Huckleberry Finn to a waterlogged log. Is that redundant? She probably toyed with it for a good 30 minutes, just submerging it and standing it up like a totem pole and --wait, when does girlfriend go half an hour at home without needing some kind of screentime? Twenty minutes pass and the girl starts pawing for technology like she's going to go into AFib if I don't hook her up with some Netflix, stat.

Okay, now. For realios. That was an exaggeration.

It's more like 10 minutes before they are both going AFib.

Just kidding, my kids are able to play without electronic stimulation at times, but this waterlogged log action was looking pretty Jungle Book from where I was standing.

While Baby Girl was playing Bear Necessities, her brother was getting a whole 'nother kind of bare. The boy discovered that a wet swimsuit + wet T-shirt + sand does not for a comfortable lounging outfit make.

So we stripped him of his attire and attempted to dry the ensemb in the bright and blazing sun.

In the meantime, we attempted to wrap him in a towel. Doing the loin cloth thing lasted for about 0.08 seconds, when, per his boy contract, he made sure everyone knew that this beach? Was nude optional.

HAHA. "Naaakeeee boyyy," he squealed with delight, wearing a grin seen below in Appendix A.

My dear friend Christa gifted our boy with her shirt for the ride home.

So, to review: If you go to Ocoee, plan for the nude beach or at least bring my friend Christa. Otherwise, you're just doing tattoo research or getting flooded by the dam. Or both.