Spend 214 days with offspring in some version of quarantine.

Do all the emotional labor of parenting. Every time the emotional labor cart wheels by, look at the emotional labor offerings like they are chocolate mousse or key lime pie and point to them and say, Yes, that. I’ll have a big slice of that emotional labor. Please just make sure my co-parent/spouse gets none, as that would mean he knows what I’m dealing with and we cannot possibly have that.

Engage not with rando hate soldiers on social media, but by all means, do get into a verbal tussle on Twitter with that dude you met eleven years ago and go deep into the stacks of his thinly veiled Tweets about white supremacy because this is what will serve all mankind in this present age.

Sleep not.

Eat all Halloween candy in freezer and purse and all secret hiding places by October 2nd.

Become so haggard that when you go to get your highlights updated, your hairstylist says, “Okay, so just so you know, highlights won’t cover all this gray. Like that’s not what highlights are able to do.”

Teach and write and walk the dog as these things are your actual jobs.

Clean the bathroom but only whilst listening to the most sad-ass podcasts where the endings are all an ambiguous muddle or unimaginable tragedy. Bathrooms are only at their cleanest when you have cried human tears into the sink over a stranger’s story.

Now this part is really critical so don’t mess it up: Lose all contact with your therapist. Don’t you dare think your problems in the midst of a global pandemic are worth talking about because we are ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

Exercise only if it’s useful to someone. Like oh, you want to mail that package? Let me just walk it to the post office and stand in line like I’m in a socially distanced meet and greet at ComiCon.

Order some more stocking stuffers for the kiddies on Poshmark because retail therapy.

Look at husband, open mouth and say, I think I need to actually run away from home?

Hear Husband say, Yeah. Why don’t you do that.

Believe what Husband actually says was, Oh, are you sure you need to do that now? Because we might all perish like a bunch of trampled dandelions the second you leave us.

Double check that it’s okay to leave for the weekend.

Secure room in most amazing AirBnB in Western MA.

Secure rental car for getaway.

When asked if you mind what kind of car you’re given by Enterprise, say, Oh heavens no, and when given the keys to a white minivan, take that hot rod and get the hell out of Dodge.

Secure appointment for hot tub + massage (wearing mask, obv). Luxuriate like you are posing for the front of said spa’s brochure.

Watch a gazillion hours of “Gilmore Girls” as if you don’t know what all shakes out with Luke/Lorelei/Rory/Logan.

Take a hot shower and another and another.

Download book on Codependency. Expect to see picture of self as you turn every page. Highlight some things. Ponder codependency.

Eat vegetables cooked by another human. Eat more! Drink them even, you crazy veggie crazed rascal!

Frolic in leaves and among them, swirl in all their splendor like you are Fraulein Actual Maria.

Momdance in minivan while driving home.

Return home so happy they barely recognize you.